through the eyes of others 👀
If you could pick a word or phrase to describe how you're feeling in this moment - right now - what would it be?
(Don't worry, you're not getting graded!) 😉
If you go one step further, what is directly influencing that feeling?
Over the past week, a common theme has emerged in separate conversations with multiple clients. As one professional, female, leader of color lamented:
"Why does how I feel change so much based on what feedback I'm getting from others in that moment? Why can't I feel more consistent in my confidence and worth instead of being so susceptible to what I'm receiving and perceiving from others?"
She's certainly not alone in experiencing the emotional roller coaster of feeling great or terrible based on what others are saying or how others are responding.
Not only is it a common challenge, but the brain's negativity bias sneaks in... fast-tracking and emphasizing the negatives with WAY more power than the positives.
Now, multiply that natural struggle by how pervasive and repetitive the negative messages can be, especially for those living at the intersection of multiple marginalized identities.
Even more challenging, then, not to internalize them.
If you're anything like my clients (and I), despite an undeniable track record of success, the consistency with which your voice has been undermined and your value underestimated makes it even more difficult to stay grounded in your strengths, your worth, and your clarity.
As I shared in the video last week, as social beings, for better and worse, we tend to learn about ourselves through the eyes of others.
It's especially risky, then, when the vast majority of those eyes are looking through the lens of biases that have been passed down (consciously or not) for centuries.
And, broadly speaking, it takes a LOT of positives (3-10x) to outweigh a single negative.
Knowing all this, what can you do? Here 3 that can pack a punch to that negativity bias and move you toward a stable sense of your worth:
Consistently track and document the positive moments you've experienced. (Don't be too selective! I see you critiquing what really "deserves" to be on the list! 😜 Include past and present, big and small). Keep it handy and add to it regularly.
Spend intentional time reflecting on and re-experiencing the positive sensations associated with moments of success, joy, gratitude, and affirmation. (This strengthens these neural connections more than simply "thinking" or re-reading a list. Select one at a time, get back into your body, and feel it!) 😌
Emphasize connections with people that see and value you as you are. Social support is one of the most protective and healing experiences you can have. If you know people who see, affirm, and appreciate your worth as your whole self, prioritize connecting with them regularly. Internalize their reflection of you.
In the words of Lailah Gifty Akita:
You are a beautiful and wonderful soul. Recognize and illuminate it.
You matter. You make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
