I don’t want to go! 😩
Summer has brought with it a sequence of schedule changes and a variety of different camp and childcare patterns for my daughter.
Inevitably, each time she is scheduled to go someplace new she expresses reluctance, fear, and sadness.
It can show up in the quiet, downcast expression on her face, sudden, irritable outbursts, or upset stomach.
More and more often (thankfully!), she can express it in words.
"I don't want to go."
"What will it be like?"
"What if no one likes me?"
Every time, she asks to stay home instead.
I'm struck by how much this 6-year old body mirrors the experiences of most of the adults I know, including me. It's much more comfortable to stay in the familiar and way too easy to think of a million terrible things that might go wrong by venturing out with new people, places, and activities.
At the same time that I relate, I know that allowing her to stay home would only build on the fears and undermine her confidence.
Instead, we discuss and practice "all the things"...the relaxation and breathing strategies, tapping, naming feelings, and working through how she would cope if the worst-case situations she expects actually do occur...
And, then, she goes.
She's still nervous and she'd still rather not.
And, it is important that she face experiences - those that are at the growth edge of her tolerance (even if she doesn't like it) - where she learns she can do hard things, trying something new can be fun, and she can make friends - or be okay even if she doesn't.
She needs lots of extra comfort, cuddles, reassurance, patience (so much patience!!! 🤪) and affirmation of how amazing she is these days...and that's okay too.
Her safe space and places of love and connection are what allow her to take these risks and build her sense of self confidence and self-worth.
Watching her go through this, I am reminded again and again of how deeply we - as humans - long for spaces of connection, compassion, and affirmation.
It's not just a luxury.
Being seen and valued is a deep-seated need that you never grow out of, even when or if it gets masked by the veils of trauma, self-sufficiency, introversion, or fear of rejection.
It may not look the same for everyone, nor does it need to.
But whether it's a deep safety and comfort of one, a few, or many, you benefit immeasurably from those spaces where you can show up just as you are, however sad, scared, hopeless, heartbroken, or angry you feel and be seen and emotionally held.
These connections help you to ground and reconnect to who you really are. They witness your bravery and growth even when you feel like a puddle on the floor. They lift you up and dust you off without judgment and with validation of what you've been through.
And if those are the same spaces that can support you in using or developing your tools, witnessing your inner strength, and revitalizing your resilience...even better!
Where do you experience this in your life?
What reminds you when it's missing?
How does remaining connected this support you in facing the challenges of the other daunting, uncertain, or outright unpleasant situations you encounter?
What would change for you if you had a space like this to connect to regularly?
I'm certain you're every bit as resilient, capable, and lovable as my daughter, and my hope for you is that you have spaces that remind you of that when you need it most... so you can continue to show up for the hard stuff (and, whew, is there a lot of hard stuff - especially when you're working determinedly for social and racial justice!)
You deserve spaces that build you up and protect you against all the other "stuff" so you remain grounded in who you are and your confidence in your inherent worth.
You matter. You make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
If you’re a woman focused on racial and social justice who could benefit from a group of women who “get it”, use the “Contact” form on this site and ask for more information about Chrysalis. 🦋
