...As long as they think, talk, or behave like me

How do we affirm differences?  

I don’t just mean how we tolerate differences.  Nor how we “accept” them.  

It’s not about when we casually say “differences are valuable” or “I love all people” in a theoretical sense when we surround ourselves with people who think, behave, and feel similarly to us.  

What about how we really, truly, in-real-life-practice affirm (e.g. welcome, admire, celebrate, desire) our interactions with people who are truly and noticeably different than us in some significant way(s)?

It's easy to say, “I accept all people,” or “All people are equal.” 

But when it comes down to it, and someone does or says something differently than we would, don’t we often feel a sense of criticism, judgment, or at least discomfort?  

We do have these biases, and we come by them naturally.  So, what happens when those differences get close to us in our own lives?  In our own families?  Friendships?  Workplaces?

Consider for a moment what behaviors you consider polite or friendly.  Does it include smiling?  Eye contact?  Hugs or hand-shaking (pre-pandemic)?  Maintaining six-foot-plus distance (post-pandemic)?  

What do you consider rude?  

Now consider that everything you just identified - I’m willing to bet every single thing - has cultural and experiential sources.  None are universal.  

Smiling that’s friendly in one context triggers mistrust and unease in another.  Eye contact that’s a sign of respect in some cultures is a sign of disrespect in others.  And so on.

In my partner’s family, they use the words “sir” and “ma’am” as indicators of respect.  Those words feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar to me, and when I’m on the receiving end of a “ma’am” I want to shrivel up in discomfort.  For me, using “please” and “thank you” are the common terms in those same styles of sentence.  

Neither has the objective hold on "right" or "wrong." They are simply different.

We can see how quickly seemingly small, insignificant examples such as these might expand into assumptions that carry immense weight and impact. 

We make assumptions that other people are going to have similar perceptions of what's friendly and what's rude, what’s polite or impolite.  And then, when they behave differently, we feel slighted without even thinking about it.  

This expands into all areas.  What's the way to show happiness or sadness?  What emotions are okay to show publicly or privately? 

What kinds of conflict are okay to talk about, or is disagreement to be avoided?  

When and how is it okay to speak up?  And for whom?

How does one make "good" decisions?

Our emotions and assumptions get tied in very quickly to how we interpret somebody else's behavior (or lack of behavior).  

That's just on the individual level. What about when these "norms" get standardized into rules, policies, laws, and unspoken social contracts (on which not everyone has even had a say, let alone agreed)?

These are crystallized in stereotypes. Especially any deviations from the group that holds the power overall in the culture/society is subject to the ridicule.  Think about what the stereotypes really represent - what does “angry, Black woman” really signify?  It labels and judges a type of communication that is critiqued by members in one group (e.g. Black women) while often reinforced for those in another (e.g. White men).

As you see this repeatedly demonstrated in the news, take the opportunity to wrestle with how this shows up in your own life. Grant yourself a pause in these moments.  And when you notice an instinctual, automatic feeling of hurt, frustration, righteousness, or anger, such as, “Oh, that person's being rude,” or “That person needs to just tone it down,” or “That person should speak up more,” consider whether that’s really a universal rule, or whether that is something that’s based in your own cultural background and experiences. 

Take that a step further and movement beyond just “accepting” differences becomes possible.  

Creation of relationships and environments that are truly affirming and welcoming is not achieved with a subtext that qualifies, “As long as they think, talk, or behave like me.”  

Instead, it asserts, “I value the strength in who you are and how you are different than me.”  

To do so, we create spaces where the differences are not shut down, dismissed, shushed, and discouraged.  We recognize and appreciate the ways that differences help to make us stronger - whether that's as an organization, as a family, or as a friendship. 

When we sit in the discomfort of our automatic first reactions, we receive the invitation to grow.

You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.