Changing Holiday Traditions: Out of Scarcity and into Abundance

This has been quite a year.  As so many holiday cards have offered, “What a year!”  

What are the most important traditions in your family?  How will you incorporate and honor these this year?

Traditions are looking different this year.  Sometimes a slight adjustment.  Other times the complete revisioning of a holiday celebration.  In most cases, these changes are not welcome.  In conversations with nearly everyone, I hear the struggle and sadness of navigating how their holidays are changed this year.  

Whether because of safety considerations, restrictions on travel, or the loss of loved ones, many are experiencing the disappointment and grief of external influences impeding cherished cultural traditions.

The Immigrant Experience: Refugee Resettlement and Cultural Navigation

Immigrants face these challenges in every way when they settle in a new country.  Because of my previous work, my heart especially turns toward refugee communities.  As they resettle, they are often asked, and expected, to change their language, their dress, their styles of communication, their food, their customs, their holidays...and on and on.  And not just temporarily.

These expectations - assimilation - are that they adopt and shift to all parts of the majority norms in the new country and to give up much, if not all, of the core parts of their identity, culture, and previous norms. 

This is often pushed without awareness or consideration of the toll on the immigrants and the loss to the newly hosting country.  

When I’d attend home visits with female refugees, they would welcome me according to the customs of their culture.  Often this included food, tea and small-talk.  They’d introduce any family members or friends and perhaps ask a couple questions if they felt comfortable enough.  Their homes displayed a few precious items decorating the tables or walls; these revealed a small part of their significant efforts to create a new home.  

Often, there was a noticeable difference in the dress and language between generations, with the children helping to translate and trying to dress more “American” and the adults wearing traditional clothing and speaking in their first language.  In the families that had been resettled longer, strain was evident as the parents navigated support for their children in this new environment while also maintaining a connection across the growing cultural chasm within their families.

Inspiring Resilience

Despite the comprehensive and generally incomprehensible challenges refugees face, their resilience is equally visible and incredibly inspiring.  

Some of the women and families I met, particularly from Burma, had been in refugee camps for almost two decades (some more).  They’d been waiting, waiting, and waiting to find out when, and where, they could live safely.  

Sadly, their challenges did not end when they resettled in Houston.  They were assigned an increasingly reduced timeline and amount of support to become self-sufficient.  Generally, this meant accepting any job, traveling long durations by an inefficient bus system, performing low-wage jobs in undesirable conditions, while continuing to fear for and worry about the friends and family members still at risk.  

These amazing women faced challenge after challenge without intermission.  

We hear echoes of this generations (and many sacrifices and compromises) later when people are told to “Go back to your own country” simply for talking with an accent or having a skin color other than White.  

The decisions of what to change and what to hold close tear families apart and create layers of conflict and challenge even years later.  Should they teach their children the ways of their homeland?  Speak in their native language at home or in public (or not at all)?  Celebrate their customs?  Decision after decision, torn by how to adapt to their new homes (often after years of intense trauma, threat, and fear) with or without what’s familiar. 

And, they keep going.  They express appreciation for what they have.  They find ways to adapt and adjust - again and again.  They hope.  They love.  They mourn.  

They keep trying.  

Not just for themselves.  They keep trying for their families.  For their loved ones.  For the parents, siblings, and children that are still in danger in their homeland or in a refugee camp awaiting resettlement.  

Hope, Adapt, Appreciate   

This year we experience a small glimpse into the challenges of loss and adaptation as we determine what traditions we keep, continue, modify, postpone, or eliminate.  

We have the hope that most of these will be temporary.  They are painful even in the anticipation of one holiday season without our favorite parties, festivities, or gatherings.  The loss of activities and familiarity is felt keenly.   

And while many have experienced some challenge, hardship, and loss before, we are also seeking our resilience and perseverance in new ways this year.  Seeking to adapt to changes we did not choose or wish.

The Line that Makes Me Cringe Every Time

In the song, “Do they know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid there are some beautiful lyrics about recognizing the suffering of others while being grateful and celebrating what we have.  In the same song, however, one particular line makes me cringe every time.   

After mentioning the dread, fear, tears, and “chimes of doom” that others without abundance are experiencing during the Christmas holiday, the line states: "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you." 

And I wonder, again and again, "Am I misunderstanding that somehow?" 

I sincerely hope I am.  Perhaps lyrically it was the line that fit best.  My best guess is that it’s meant as an encouragement to have perspective and gratitude for the blessings in one’s own life.  

Regardless, the suggestion to "thank God '' in response to other people suffering seems to signal scarcity - the feeling that there is only enough for some people to have “enough” and that someone has to suffer or lack.  That we should be grateful that other people are suffering instead of us.  

This feeling of scarcity is the feeling (or belief) that if other people have more, there won't be enough to go around... to “us” or to “me” or to the people that we want to have whatever is in question.  This could apply to money, power, influence, or even basic necessities (e.g. enough quality housing, enough food, enough toilet paper!)

Scarcity vs. Abundance 

Tension between scarcity and abundance comes up frequently among entrepreneurs. 

Is there enough for everybody? Can everybody be successful? 

Is it a competition where one person's success means less for the rest? 

Scarcity is particularly fear-based.  It can be driven by past struggles or worries and anticipation of future hardships.  It sees someone else’s well-being and feels threatened that there is now less of the pie remaining for oneself.

This is in direct contrast to abundance, or the feeling and belief that there is enough for everyone. That everyone can be successful, and that others' success does not diminish one's own.

Abundance is also represented well in experiences of love and gratitude.  

With love and gratitude, there's never a shortage. 

You never run out. You don't deplete your stores by sharing it. You don't have less love to give because you just showed love to someone. You have enough love for multiple family members, multiple friends, multiple children, multiple strangers.  

Time is a limited resource.  Energy may go up and down. Resources may need to be managed responsibly.  

With love and gratitude, the more that we practice, the more there is to give, and the more we give, the more returns to us in our own well being. 

With love and gratitude, there is always opportunity for abundance.  And we don’t have to “thank God” that other people are lacking or struggling in order to feel there is enough love and gratitude for our own lives.

...It Grows

In the children's book, "Pinecone and Penguin: A friendship story" by Salina Yoon this is perfectly summarized with the beautiful line, "When you give love... It grows." 

So whatever traditions you're facing this year, whether they're the same or different, in a familiar space or a new space, this is my wish for you:

May you feel an abundance of love and gratitude, and may it continue to grow.

You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.