zone of safety
How do you recover when something doesn't go as planned? When you are feeling disappointed, self-conscious, or anxious about what you did, said, or how it came across, how do you respond to these feelings?
This has come up a lot recently, in conversations with others as well as for myself.
Do you relate to...
A conversation with a longtime friend, letting go of the hope that the other person would change and focusing on changing the communication and boundaries, only to face the self-criticisms afterward of how things could have been said differently...
The death of a loved one, recognizing the precious and limited time you shared, only to revisit moments and wonder if you could have said or done more to let them know you loved them...
An intervention when you see something biased and unjust, deciding to speak up despite fear and uncertainty, only to replay the moment again and again with various adjustments and wonder whether a different tact would have been more effective...
A brief presentation following hours of preparation, only to see shadows of parts that were missing, questions of delivery style and format, and tongue-tied stumbles...
Regardless of how it starts, the self-reflective process naturally lends itself to focusing on the negatives. After all, the brain is programmed to highlight these in an effort to protect against future harm, whatever physical or emotional form that may involve.
How, then, do you recover? When you find yourself in a moment of reflection, how do you incorporate the learning without the self-recrimination?
This seems like something we're rarely taught in an achievement-driven, perfectionist culture.
To really take in the learning (without dismissing the opportunities for growth in favor of comfort or self-punishment), we need to return to a state of safety - the state where we can think clearly, reflect, problem-solve, and assess.
Coming back to your place of calm - through your breath, a conversation with a trusted loved one, a visualization of your peaceful place, taking a walk, practicing a mind-body technique (such as yoga, Emotional Freedom Technique, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or sitting in nature (to name just a few possibilities) may very well be a necessary first step.
Then, after you've soothed your internal nervous system, you can begin to (carefully) choose what questions you ask yourself...For example:
What do I feel good about?
How can I learn from this experience?
What would I like to do differently in the future?
How can I process and release the grief of this moment's loss?
What follow up would be helpful (if any) at this time?
How can I honor my readiness for improvement rather than shame myself for not already being "perfect"?
What would help me right now to recover and honor my needs?
Notice the absence of "Why" questions. Rather than sending yourself back into a defensive state, staying in a zone of internal safety supports your growth (and recovery, if needed).
How do you recover from the inevitable second-guessing when you're already trying to do your best and it still doesn't all work out perfectly?
You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
