The reminder of "Noneya"
"Noneya" is a phrase I first learned when I was 22 and worked as a "Live-In Houseparent" in a boys home in inner-city Detroit.
Darrell (name changed) was one of the 6 Black boys, ranging from 11-16, who lived in the home. He was a sweet and fun-loving fifteen year old who would wag his finger and exclaim, "Noneya!" with a mischievous smile on his face while telling anyone invading his privacy that it was "none of their business."
When the phrase comes up for me now, I smile, remembering the huge grin on his face the first time I had to ask him to repeat what he said (and what it meant!)
The past couple days, I hear the echo of Darrell's voice chastising, "Noneya!" in response to the armchair psychoanalysis of Will Smith's slap after Chris Rock's insensitive joke at the Oscar Awards.
Somehow, so many commentators seem to feel qualified and entitled to make lengthy, public judgments about what it meant or represented about the individuals involved.
I feel saddened by the incident, including how it is twisted and used for other agendas.
I feel dismayed that we still need to qualify that no singular incident between individuals upholds sweeping generalizations or stereotypes about whole groups of people - whether men, Hollywood, rich, famous, Black, or otherwise.
While it's easy to point fingers and debate fault...
Chris Rock's insensitive joke targeting a Black woman's hair and medical condition...
Will Smith's physical assault of Chris rock...
How does this focus on picking apart others' behaviors move us forward?
Unless we are their therapist, close friend or family, spiritual advisor, or perhaps lawyer, we are not in a position to know the inner workings of their mind and heart.
However, we can use the prompt to contemplate our own inner workings.
How can we reflect on what we can learn, individually and collectively, about ourselves through our gut reactions?
Rather than use the incident as an opportunity to expound upon what sensitivity, entitlement, arrogance, or other individual characteristics were exhibited (or lacking) in others, how can we apply it as a mirror to better recognize the ways in which hidden biases lurch forward in ourselves?
How did this moment trigger my own emotions?
How do I identify with those involved? Where do I distance myself?
Where does it tempt me into stereotypes and characterizations that lurk in the shadows?
What opinion makes me feel more justified, safe/unsafe, entitled, or comforted?
How does my individual (and collective) response to this altercation reveal the necessary work that remains to be faced in the media, law enforcement, or my personal cellular reactions?
To be honest, in my own reflections, I have acknowledged I am less prone to criticize with it being an incident involving two Black men I perceive as of similar age, ability, and social status than if it had been a different combination of identities...
My emotions become much more heated if I consider a white man slapping a Black man, or a man slapping a woman. My response changes again if I consider the same incident between two women. And yet again if I bring in variations in age, social status, or sexual orientation...for example.
All of these, I recognize, are rooted in my own biases - my perceptions of power differences (or lack thereof) - and my passion for supporting those who are marginalized or discounted by society as somehow "less."
As you view this moment in time through the kaleidoscope of your own experiences and worldview, how does your response shift based on your feelings and perceptions about the individuals, or the identities, involved?
This type of vulnerable reflection, while uncomfortable, is constructive.
Recognizing our own biases (we all have them) is something that empowers our choices, actions, and responses and empowers us to show up in our full humanity and compassion for the conversations we hold with others.
Your personal work empowers the work you seek to do in the world.
You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
