The "Comfort Zone" is Not Very Comfortable

I know this will alienate some people (okay, probably a lot of people). Believe me, I don't like to do that. My whole family background, family culture, midwestern culture, and personality style along with my training and experience in psychology has taught and reinforced a version of being “polite”, gentle, and prioritizing other people’s feelings.  

And it is related values, family background, personality style, and training that have continuously called me to do more to prioritize the experiences and feelings of those that are marginalized.  

For some people, it'll be too much. Feel too judgmental, too critical, too sensitive, uncomfortable, overdramatic.  

For some people, it'll be not enough.  Feel too polite, too gentle, too late, not dramatic enough.

And it's really not about any of those things, as much as I dislike to alienate people. It's about wanting me, and wanting us, to try to be better today than we were yesterday. So that we can be better tomorrow, than we were today. 

We are all hurting because of this - another brutal and senseless death of a Black person (#George Floyd, this time). And trying to please everybody is impossible. And it won't make it better. It won't make me better. It won't make us better. What's most important is that we do something. Because the status quo is not acceptable. 

And we know change is constant. We can be intentional about the changes we want to make. They won't all be the same ones at the same times. But hopefully they can all lead in the same direction toward compassion. Love. Justice. That promise of "justice for all" that seems to be moving to a more distant horizon.

Too many people are dying alone. 

Choking. 

Unable to breathe. 

They're not all dying from COVID-19. 

What a difference we can make if we're all working toward the same goals. Eradication of disease. Eradication of injustice. Preserving life. Preserving humanity. Talking about this will alienate people. Not talking about it would alienate people. 

I'm not gonna get it all right. Not today. Not ever. Neither are you.  And I know that it's uncomfortable and scary, because I've been there. And I am there. And I will be there. 

And, all change is scary and uncomfortable. Starting a new job is scary and uncomfortable. Having children is scary and uncomfortable. Beginning new relationships is scary and uncomfortable.  Moving to a new location is scary and uncomfortable. Following our passion is scary and uncomfortable. 

And yet aren’t these often the same things we cherish and prize and seek?  All of the most amazing, beautiful transformation begins as something that's scary and uncomfortable because it's different... because it stretches us...because it's new...because by its very nature change is moving out of our comfort zone. 

In this case, the comfort zone is not remotely comfortable. And if we care more about holding on to the privilege or the power that we have than growing, and contributing, to the changes that we want to see, if we keep crying alone at home, being passive bystanders that are outraged and brokenhearted, and succumb to helplessness, or hopelessness, then we all lose. 

I wish it could happen all at once. Unfortunately, I know that's not how change happens. The bucket fills drip by drip. The marathoner runs step by step. I don't know how to measure where we are. I just know we desperately, and quickly, need to keep going. 

This might seem like the opposite of "seeking to soothe." When I thought about that, I realized, it's really not. Because I'm seeking to soothe my broken heart and my loved ones broken hearts. And our collective brokenness. And the parts of us that get too scared to respond effectively. I want to soothe the part of us that's afraid to change. So that we recognize that it's both imperative that we change, and that we can create a space in which to do so. Because we all need to do better, and to be better. And it's not going away without us doing something about it. 

The other thing about change is, having kids, starting a new job, starting a new business, moving, following our passion... They can all be wonderful, amazing things filled with passion and wisdom and learning and growth, where we look back and wish we had done it sooner. I wish we had done it sooner. We need to do it now. 

You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.