I Want to Set the Bar High

A BIG CHALLENGE...I'll be honest, I’m very new to Facebook (and blogging, and all social media, for that matter). I’m quiet and introverted, I want to maintain separation to protect confidentiality in my work as a psychologist and privacy of my family, and I’d much rather be outdoors or interacting with those close to me during any free time than on a screen.

Yet, here I am (at least for now!) which is how I found myself thinking, “Okay, I’ll just scroll through and try to figure more of this Facebook stuff out,” while waiting at my dog’s vet appointment this morning. 

I tapped on an article (turned out it was a video) and before I knew what I was watching, I started to see the comments scrolling...I could hardly keep up. What stood out to me was the name-calling and pervasive negativity.

“Moron”,

“Idiot”, 

“Communist”, 

“5th grader”, 

“Crazy”...

One upon another upon another. Name-calling, anger, aggression, with an occasional interruption of contrast. My heart began to sink. I only watched a few minutes, then my dog returned and I was on my way. But that heaviness, that heaviness, weighed while I pondered what I’d seen.

What does this mean if this is how we’re talking to each other so casually? What do we hope to achieve? What ends are we seeking with these means?  Because even if we aren't the ones writing these posts, I see so much of the attitudes represented all around us.

I’m not sure it matters, but it turned out I was watching the first few minutes of the replay of Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s Live Town Hall from last night (April 30, 2020). I imagine that anyone in the US who has been following news in any way, shape, or form, has at least heard mention of Governor Gretchen Whitmer, whether it’s from the perspective of her being a “tyrant” or being heralded as one of the most proactive and responsive governors to this pandemic. She’s gotten a lot of nationwide attention recently from both sides of the spectrum. 

Here’s my question: What if each person (me, you, anyone) holding a strong opinion about another, paused and considered the level of fear and desperation that the other person might be feeling?

We might all like to think we do this already. Most of us probably identify with some values in the category of caring for others, being kind, generous, or compassionate. I believe we can do better in living those values out.  I know it's worth it to me to try.  If we all did our best to challenge ourselves in this way, what would that look like? What would that feel like?  How would we see it transform our relationships and the world we live in?  Imagine...

People from diverse backgrounds and circumstances are experiencing very real, very intense, very consuming fears and panic.

People may be scared for different reasons...or the same reasons. Most are looking to protect, to care for...whether it’s physical protection and care or financial protection and care...there could be a lot of common ground here. People are suffering. Neither end of the continuum is immune to the effects of grief and loss that the COVID-19 virus is bringing - to our jobs, our incomes, our lives, our ways of life.

Some people are afraid for the health and safety of themselves and their loved ones, the risks of severe illness and death, being the one to spread the disease that leads to another's death, not being able to be at a loved one’s side at the end of their life, and not even being able to gather for a time of mourning.  

Some people are caught in the fear and desperation, equally real, of how they will pay for food for their families, a roof over their heads, and catch up on bigger and bigger bills that have been delayed even once they can get back to work (with considerable uncertainty about if and when that may be).  

Some people are caught in the double-bind of all of these fears. Not safe enough to go back to work or “life as usual” and not financially able to provide for their own and their family’s essential needs without getting back to work or receiving financial support.

And, let’s be honest, we are not all impacted by these risks equally. We have different jobs, different incomes, different resources, different health status, different cultural backgrounds, different historical and hereditary influences, and different emotional triggers under the best of circumstances. Which this, most certainly, is not.

Is it any wonder that some people are lashing out in anger?  After all, when our brain signals danger or threat, our fight, flight, or freeze reactions are immediately activated.  And when those are activated, well, we know what happens then, right?  We are seeing it in us and around us constantly.

When so many people are consumed with worry about essential needs and survival, it understandably stunts our individual and collective ability to engage in creative and productive discussions and problem-solving.

None of us make our best decisions from a place of overwhelm, fear or panic.  Our brains just don’t work that way.  

To overcome these complex problems, we need to first be able to SOOTHE and CARE FOR those parts of us that are terrified. Perhaps then we can respond compassionately to that part in another, including being willing to HEAR, seek to UNDERSTAND, and EMPATHIZE with the feelings rather than to quickly and impulsively shame, belittle, or (even silently) judge one another.

If we continue to dichotomize ourselves into separate polarities - us vs. them, (regardless of which “us” and which “them” we’re associating with), what will we have gained?  Even if we get to the other side of this and we’ve lost hundreds of thousands of lives, rather than millions...or we’ve managed to help people who are still living to maintain their financial means to provide for their needs, rather than enter a great depression...but we have fueled even more judgment, animosity, mistrust, and hate than we had before, then we will have sacrificed a unique opportunity to join together across our differences to grow stronger as a culture, as a society, and as part of the global community.

I’m choosing, and I believe others are also, to take each possible opportunity to reshape our own minds and hearts to more closely represent what we want to see reflected around us.

If we each soothe the part of us that’s in fight, flight, or freeze mode, and therefore come back to the part of our brain that can reason and apply higher-order, complex thinking, then we position ourselves to integrate ideas from multiple perspectives, to work together, to find a way through this crisis from which we emerge stronger and more united to face the remaining challenges ahead.

I want to set the bar high.  I want us as a country and a global community to transform through this crisis and emerge stronger and healthier in ALL ways on the other side, not just physically or financially, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  To do so, we each need to make our best efforts, again and again, to listen beneath the anger, recognize the vulnerability in ourself and each other, and sincerely endeavor to respond from a place of empathy and understanding.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.