heart of hearts - earning close friendship

I've been wanting to write to you about trust, and the combination of the Martin Luther King holiday and this article about the significant difficulties of being close friends with white people (as a Black person) feels like an appropriate opportunity.  Lastly, there's a related invitation (read on!) for a Healing Racial Trauma workshop if you're ready to take that next step.

As the author, Touré, writes, "It’s hard being friends with white people. I mean being really close — to where you really let them into your heart of hearts."

What do you feel when you read this (and hopefully the rest of his honest narrative)?

Whether you identify as a white person who considers yourself a trustworthy friend to people of all skin tones, a person of color who doesn't fit into an overly simplistic Black-White paradigm, or a Black person who ventures into new connections with people of different backgrounds while vigilant of the vulnerability, it's important to understand and acknowledge the challenges of earning (and offering) trust within the historical context of cross-racial relations.

What is your experience with forming authentic, close, vulnerable cross-ethnic friendships?

As a white person decades into my passion for connecting with diverse people and promoting social justice, my current feeling is, "Of course!  It is completely reasonable, sensible, and even healthy to be cautious about fully trusting white people."

Yet, responses of hurt, offense, anger, and defensiveness are common. 

It's often an automatic response (and I had experienced this, too) to take it personally.

What I now understand is that there is no logical reason to expect (or even hope) to be an immediately recognizable exception to the millions (billions?) of white people who, for example...

...Kidnapped, Sold, Enslaved, Tortured, Murdered, Lynched, Ripped Away and Apart, Imprisoned, Denied, and generally Forbade any forms of dignity or humanity for Black people throughout history...Then...

...(and still) blamed Black people for any disadvantage (of poverty, ill-health, limited education...)...

...while also declining to acknowledge the harm done or make comprehensive repairs and changes to the policies, laws, and systems that continue to reinforce these same inequities.

Distrust and caution makes sense.  They are even healthy and adaptive given this context of repeated, generational trauma.

When we look at it listed out, it's a miracle that there is a willingness among BIPOC to consider letting white people get close at all. 

(And I believe it's important to be able to really see this track record, without softening the reality, if we aspire to build genuine trust and connection).

How do we genuinely acknowledge and sit with this:

White persons do not have the right or entitlement to expect automatic trust, and BIPOC are not wrong or out-of-line for their caution.

Only then can we begin to earn trust, gradually, through consistency in words, behavior, and action.  

As Touré outlines:

"...to be my friend as a white person, you can’t be oblivious. You have to be aware of your white privilege. You don’t have to apologize for it, but I have to know that you know you have it. I also need to know that while you know you have privilege, I won’t ever have to feel your entitlement. White entitlement can come out in small, subtle ways you may not even notice. If you’re unaware of how race functions, you won’t even pick up on you emanating it. Above all, I’m not here to educate you." 

If you are a Black, Indigenous, or Person of Color, how do you determine when (or if) to begin trusting someone white?

If you are white, how do you approach conversations and connections across differences with patience to demonstrate, earn, and build trust?

My hope is that we can build a way forward of earned trust and created safety, rather than give up when we feel personally affronted or we comprehend the immensity of hurt through history.

And if you are ready to actively engage in these processes with a team of skilled, diverse facilitators, check out the information in the flyer below (P.S.) and reserve your spot!

You matter.  You can make a difference.  I'm so thankful you're here.