fear of consequences
How is your health holding up these days?
My daughter was sick over the past month with a string of different illnesses. (Thank you kindergarten and Texas travel! ) 🤪
It was quite hard to separate out which of her symptoms were related to an actual illness and which were representations of her emotions...
Nervousness about going to school and being away from us
Sadness about missing grandpa
Disorientation from the change in season and daylight savings
Frustration with increasing expectations
Drain from busy days with abbreviated daylight (maybe that's just me) 😉
Excitement about approaching holidays
There's a lot to process in her five year old world! Heck, there's a lot to process for all of us!
While I had ideas that there were some emotional contributors to her complaints, it wasn't until yesterday that my suspicions were confirmed.
After she repeatedly expressed a fear of going to jail (out of nowhere), despite my reassurances she was safe, I finally asked a breakthrough question…
"Is there something that you've done that you're afraid will send you to jail?"
Through her fears of me being angry with her (and my assertions that we all get angry sometimes, but that doesn't detract from my love for her), she admitted her transgression.
Mind you, the behavior of note had happened at school over a series of days prior to the Thanksgiving break, which would have been a couple of weeks before this reveal!
And she's been holding this secret in ever since.
As the return to school approached, she became increasingly fearful...and ill - with increased nausea, difficulty swallowing, and the sensation of a big lump in her throat.
As she finally shared it with me, she acknowledged she had known she was doing something “wrong” and feared she would be found out and punished (with jail, no less!)
Holding it in, however, had been worse.
As she talked about it, she visibly lightened, brightened, and relaxed.
She described how bad she had been feeling to know that she had done something wrong and to be holding it in as a secret, waiting, waking with bad dreams, feeling sick, and anticipating a terrible consequence.
At the same time, she expressed eagerly in her own words, "I love this feeling!" of the relief, pride, and joy she felt in her courage to acknowledge what she did and take steps to make it better.
Although her illness may not improve as quickly as her mood, at least it is not still being exacerbated by her fears.
While she's still "very, very, very, very, very very" nervous about the next steps of telling her teacher what she did and apologizing - most of the weight she's been carrying immediately evaporated.
What does this bring up for you?
The reality is, we have a tendency to get lost when we hold in our mistakes...either beating ourselves without mercy or moving into avoidance and denial to evade the pain of acknowledgement.
Fortunately, we all make mistakes. We all have repeated opportunities to learn and grow through them.
It's what we do with our emotions that can really add to or lessen the burden.
In the work of social justice (and living), there's unavoidable and intense negative emotion.
👉 Embarrassment, guilt, or shame
👉 Pain, anger, frustration
👉 Rage and heartbreak
👉 Conflict and disgust
What do you do with these emotions? And what happens if you hold them in?
Do you feel them in your stomach churning? In a pit or emptiness in your gut?
Does it lodge in your throat as a lump? Does it push up as reflux or nausea?
Does it sit heavy on your chest, causing heartburn or chestpain?
Does your body cave in with the weight of fatigue?
Does your head pulse or throb with the thoughts, worries, and anxieties circling around, endlessly trampling one another to get to the front of the line?
The process of feeling deeply and living wholeheartedly, by its very nature, comes with intense emotion.
Just like my daughter found out - holding these feelings in only makes the bad feelings worse... and often prevents moving toward a resolution.
What are you holding in? How can you safely acknowledge and express it today?
You matter. You can make a difference. And, I'm so thankful you're here.
