broken toys and pegasus unicorns 🦄

As I write, my daughter is jumping and dancing around in a pegasus unicorn costume...excited and joyful, making up and acting out stories with a friend she adores.

A couple hours ago, she was screaming with huge tears rolling down her face when I sat on (and broke) her toy.  Big "Oops!" and note to self... even if you have just been sitting in a spot on the couch, do not assume it will still be empty of toys when you return 15 seconds later! 🙊   

Earlier this morning, she was pensive, quiet, and reflective as she recalled memories of my dad from the years before his death.  

All of the emotions perfectly matched and appropriate to the situation (though I'm definitely not a fan of the screaming!) 😱 

She wasn't hurting herself or others.  No emotion was permanent.  And she was capable (with support) of handling them all.  

Beside the fact that I'm clearly biased when it comes to my daughter, I also look to her as an example of the work I share with clients as they learn new ways to understand, relate to, and respond to their own and others emotions.

It's also what frustrates me to no end with the complaints against teaching accurate history and promoting equity, inclusion, and belonging in schools from an early age.  (You know, those arguments that learning about the past or reflection on their own behaviors might make kids feel - gasp! - negative emotions!)  

Through my daughter, I see that children are fully capable to handle (and recover from) a range of intense emotions. 

And, through my work, I know that adults are too, even if they don't quite trust it at first.

Emotions are not bad.  They are normal, healthy, and human responses to a range of situations.  They are sources of information, guidance, and connection.  They unite us with a shared humanity, deepen our compassion, and empower our motivation.

That said, I do understand how hard it can be to make the shift to trusting the value embedded in emotions.  

I was not always at peace with my emotions.  For many years, "feeling deeply" was something that seemed a liability, a shortcoming, and a risk.  I didn't know how to deal with these feelings and sensations.  They were big, overwhelming, and intense.  

Maybe you can relate.  

Perhaps you, too, have been taught that emotions have no place as a professional, adult, or reasonable, competent decision-maker.  

Maybe you're still not sure they can really be trusted and they're a nuisance that you try to muffle or a mess that you shove to the back of the closet.  

Maybe you have caught glimpses of their value...but it seems so fleeting, you're just not convinced it could be consistent.

Maybe it feels like to allow yourself to truly feel the depth of your grief, sadness, pain, and anger at the losses and injustices you've experienced would amount to self-imposed imprisonment and that you'd never again find the key to get out.

If so, I wonder, have you seen the children's movie, "Inside Out"? 

It's one of my favorites.  I don't want to spoil it, so I highly recommend you watch it (or watch it again).  

Notice what happens when the emotions are undermined, dismissed, or excluded...and what happens when they are all present and involved.

And let me know what you think.  

Could this be true for you as well?

Through time, relationships, therapy, and - of course - my training and supervision to become a licensed psychologist, I experienced the strength that came through allowing, attuning to, and trusting my emotions.  

Of course, as children prove repeatedly, you don't need a PhD to do this!

I recently put together a list of a few favorite books to help young kids learn to cope with their "big feelings"...and, spoiler alert 🚨 ...they're helpful for adults too!  

I'll include the list below in case it's helpful for those amazing kids in your life... nieces, nephews, grandchildren, school children, godchildren, etc... or in case your schedule would appreciate the satisfaction of completing a 20 page book (with pictures!) rather than the books of hundreds of pages of words designed for adults!

One thing I know is true: 

Caring deeply about social and racial injustice comes with intense emotions, and rightfully so.  

To stay involved without compromising your own wellbeing, you need ways that support your emotions in their full range of experience and expression.

You matter.  You make a difference.  I'm so thankful you're here.

Here's the selection of books my daughter has enjoyed for learning how to tune into, recognize, and cope with a range of feelings:

B is for Breathe: The ABCs of Coping with Fussy and Frustrating Feelings by Dr. Melissa Munro Boyd

Breathe Like A Bear by Kira Willey

Right now, I am Brave / Right now, I am Fine / Right now, I am Kind all by Dr. Daniela Owen

Listening to my Body / Listening to my heart both by Gabi Garcia

There is a whole series of "A Little Spot of Feelings" books with one book for each of many feelings.  Each describes a feeling and some coping approaches.  

Good Morning Yoga and Good Night Yoga are kid-friendly and grounding approaches for starting and ending the day - by Miriam Gates

Words are Magic by Megan Jackson (may have to special order, it's a more recent independent release) about the power of thoughts/words for building inner confidence