assuming or earning
How do you approach building trust in relationships? Is it something you give and receive easily? Do you work to build it?
I'm curious, because when this came up in a recent conversation, I was reminded of something pivotal to my work:
I’m never done earning trust.
Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with one of my Black, female clients. As we were talking, she declared, “Dr. Eldredge, I trust you completely!”
Her words honored me and the working relationship we built. I was deeply touched. No matter how many times I’ve heard some version of this, it fills my heart every time. I never take it for granted. 💜
As a visibly white woman doing work with so many people from so many marginalized backgrounds and identities, I’m never done earning trust.
That is because I never assume someone will (or should) trust me. I believe, wholeheartedly, that to be in this space doing this work, I need to earn trust, and re-earn trust, every step of the way.
I don’t assume that because I earned trust yesterday, or last week, or last year…or with a different person or group (even from a seemingly similar background)…that I will now be given a pass and assumed trustworthy.
It is important to me that I continue to earn any trust I am given. Every. Single. Time.
You probably agree with this, at least in theory. Despite that, it’s surprising how contrary this seems from the more common expressions in conversations about diversity and inclusion.
You’ve likely heard (and - shame-free zone - maybe even said) comments like:
I’m not prejudiced.
I have a ____ friend (insert marginalized identity under discussion).
I don’t see color.
I grew up with friends from diverse backgrounds.
What are these declarations really trying to convey?
Behind these comments is a desire to be (and be seen as) safe, welcoming, and open-minded. A desire to be inclusive and unbiased. A desire to be seen as trustworthy.
All great aspirations.
Unfortunately, the way in which these comments more often come across is as an expectation of “You should trust me,” "I don't need to do anything else to be inclusive," or “I don’t have anything else to learn.”
What a missed opportunity!
It is when someone admits they are still learning, have room to grow, have hidden biases, and don’t have it all figured out that they seem the most open to a new understanding or perspective.
In my experience, engaging with humility, genuine interest, and acknowledgement of the potential differences in experiences (based on both seen and unseen aspects of identity) not only contributes to my own enrichment, but builds a foundation in which I am entrusted with the rich internal worlds and experiences of others and am honored by deep connection.
I’m willing to bet your life is also enriched by every relationship you've experienced with someone from a different background.
Every time I open myself up to understand another person’s experience more deeply, I am rewarded with a deepening understanding of the complexity, resilience, and inspiration of humanity, and my own humanity is revitalized.
What a gift!
How do you build trust and genuine connection? I'd love for you to hit reply and share your thoughts!
You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
