One simple question to transformation

While working at a practicum during graduate school 17 years ago, I was paired with a client who made it clear she absolutely did NOT want to work with me.

I'm not exaggerating.  She explicitly said so.  Most of the program was group meetings with each person attending only 1-2 individual sessions during their stay.  I had been assigned to meet with her; however, when I asked her to join me, she told me directly she preferred to skip any individual meetings.

Upon a brief hallway discussion, she agreed to spend 5 minutes with me, after which she would leave, and during which she could share as little as she wanted.  

Likely I was nervous, although I don't recall it now because of what followed...

Within that 5 minutes, a complete transformation occurred. 

The only difference? 

I asked if her experiences were related to bias or discrimination.  

That question changed our entire dynamic.  Not only did she continue to talk with me for the next hour, she met with me a second time before she graduated the program. 

Prior, she was often silent in group, kept to herself, and made minimal response to anyone.  Now, she would make eye contact, smile, and discuss options for what she would do after she left the program. 

You may have guessed, she was a woman of color.  Since I brought it up (as a white person) and listened to her experience, she did not need to justify her emotions, defend her interpretation of discrimination, or even be the first to broach the topic.  

That one simple question demonstrated that discrimination was a valid reality.  Naming the possibility built the connection.  

Simple, right?  Nothing magic or fancy.  Show up.  Ask a question that incorporates awareness.  Listen.

And, just as important, what's not there - not asking for proof, not minimizing the emotions or the impact, not defending how perhaps it "wasn't meant that way."  And, most definitely, not any version of "You're too sensitive" or "Just let it go."

Sometimes, we really do make things harder than they need to be.  There's enough that's hard already. 

So, when you have the opportunities, whether with someone you assume is similar or different, try to get back to the basics.

You matter.  You CAN make a difference.  I'm so thankful you're here.