nothing to apologize for 😢😡 ❤️🩹
"I'm sorry...that's depressing," he expressed (again)… for a conversation in which I was fully participating.
It was the third time he had apologized in the last 10 minutes.
Not only that, but the person apologizing was a nurse providing excellent skilled care to a loved one I was visiting at the hospital. And we were discussing the absence of affordable housing...a problem he clearly did not cause.
He certainly had nothing to apologize for!
"I'm a psychologist. I deal with the full range of emotions all the time...and value them!" I assured him. I hoped he would feel the sincerity in my words.
Still, his words reminded me of the expected discomfort and distancing many people have with the full range and intensity of feelings.
How often do you critique, apologize for, hide, or dismiss emotions?
This nurse was apologizing simply related to the potential emotions of the topic. Emotions that were entirely valid, normal, and appropriate as a compassionate, connected, and embodied response to a large, systemic issue.
In last week's post, I acknowledged the abundance of emotions...anger, sadness, heartbreak, frustration, and conflict...that come with the territory of changemaking.
Changemaking. Recognizing injustice and participating in addressing it.
The first part of that equation is often an emotional response.
Without feeling something - something intense - it's unlikely we would be motivated to address the problems and work determinedly to make a change.
Without our emotions, I feel quite certain our changemaking would fail before it even began.
I know the problem is not in having emotions. It’s not even in experiencing intense emotions.
Sometimes, however, the problem is knowing what to do with these emotions. Whether as an individual or an organization, the needs are similar.
Having a safe place, internally and externally, in which to feel and express them. Having an opportunity to move with and through the emotions toward effective action. Having the acknowledgement, understanding, and validation that reflects back the wisdom of these very feelings and the power of influence they hold.
And then there's another piece of the challenge...
Too often, even if you recognize the validity and importance of your own emotions, this is not reflected back from the world around you.
Or, only "certain" emotions are allowed.
The rest are not only unwelcome, but unsafe to express. I know there are many circumstances in which the expression of valid emotions is yielded back as a weaponized stereotype...One need look no further than the label "Angry Black Woman" to see an example of this.
And yet, Black women, and people of many marginalized and intersectional identities, have more than a few reasons to be angry!!! And sad. And frustrated. And discouraged. And all the other emotions that are a part of the full range of human experience.
Restrictions - by society, system, or self - on the expression of emotions has come up in more conversations than I can count.
And it is dangerous.
It is dangerous for the health of people being forced to choose between holding in the emotions or being judged for them.
It is dangerous for the people limiting the expressions of others.
It is dangerous for how it impedes understanding that action toward addressing systemic injustice derives from our emotional responses...including righteous anger.
I remember so many powerful moments of witnessing the surprise and relief in someone's face as they realized how much better they feel after releasing the emotions they've been holding carefully inside.
As dangerous as it may be to express them…and in many cases it is…I know you absolutely need alternative safe spaces in which to feel, name, experience, express, and share them.
How are you making space for all your emotions?
Where can you express and process the full range of what you're feeling?
How do you listen and tend to the clarity and direction within these sensations?
All of your emotions matter.
All of them need and deserve a safe space to land.
All of you deserves to be heard, valued, and understood.
You matter. You make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
P.S. The power of creating safe spaces for the experiences of BIPOC staff, faculty, and students is central to the services that June Parks, PhD and I design to "Re-Imagine Resilience" in higher ed. These environments - intended to support learning, growth, and opportunity - are too often toxic and excessively demanding on BIPOC staff, faculty, and students. Providing culturally-attuned forms of support and addressing the realities is not only beneficial, but necessary. If you'd like to learn more about how we're addressing this critical need, please contact us through LinkedIn or the Contact form on this site.
