Not enough-ness

You know the feeling where you're constantly scrambling to do it all - and do it well...pick up the house, organize the activities and calendar, prep and attend the meetings, update the accounting, help your ____ (insert friends, neighbors, family, patients, team, clients, local non-profits, all of the above), and you feel like you're falling short in all of them?

And, the more you feel like you're falling short, the more it feels like you're failing everyone and everything?

Not long ago I was caught in this loop - and the more I tried to correct it, the worse it got:

Oops - haven't found that birthday gift yet for mom.

Oops - haven't proofed and edited that speech.

Oops - haven't returned the phone call, email, and text messages waiting on responses.

Oops - haven't moved all the recycling to the bin.  

Oops - haven't eradicated all injustice.  (See what I mean? It expands fast!)

The "not enough" thoughts drained my energy and enthusiasm for getting up and tackling the list of items I actually wanted to do, not to mention my focus, efficiency, and effectiveness for anything I tried to do...  

I'd sit down to compose an email and get distracted by a phone call I needed to return.  I'd begin looking up the number and debate over whether it was too early (or late)...Oh wait, I need to gather some information first to have handy...  In the meantime, a new email would come in reminding me that I was behind on scheduling my annual physical, which would remind me that I needed to sign my daughter up for swim lessons...

Fortunately, I am connected to an amazing group of women who I knew would understand...after all, at different moments in time I'd heard one version of another of this same challenge from each of them.  Within a few minutes of speaking the challenge aloud in a safe place, the heaviness shifted and their supportive responses further lifted the veil.  

I realized, too, I've heard every person I know who feels deeply and lives completely - every person determined to leave the world better than they found it, serve with excellence, and apply their strengths and talents to helping others - express some version of "not enough-ness."

If "not enough-ness" was a yardstick for caring, we'd all receive a medal.

And, if it served us - if this feeling was truly motivational, inspirational, and accelerating of our best work - maybe it would be worth it.

But, that's NOT how it works.  When your "not enough-ness" comes from setting unrealistic expectations of yourself (or others), from measuring against what you want to be able to change or accomplish (and when) instead of what's truly possible, and from caring so much about your impact, then "not enough-ness" eviscerates your clarity, focus, energy, efforts, and...ultimately, your actions and effectiveness. 

Whether you think you can, or think you can't -- you're right.

~Henry Ford

That quote from Henry Ford has very problematic implications when we apply it to social justice and the still inequitable access to opportunities.  However, when applied to a moment of the parasitic relationship with "not enough-ness"...

Not smart enough, clever enough, productive enough, funny enough, healthy enough, organized enough, brave enough, old enough, young enough, successful enough, bold enough, calm enough, angry enough, cheesy enough (Okay, you see how easy it can be to go on and on!!!) 

...it becomes impossible to connect to your worth and ability to effect change.  It is no longer possible to nurture the stamina, hope, and confidence to even try to persevere.

Feeling "not enough-ness" creates "not enough-ness".

There's a lot at stake if you get sucked into that abyss.  

In contrast, tonight, my little one got a huge kick out of excitedly retelling all the little things that had gone "wrong" in our preparations for grandma's birthday dinner - forgotten and expired ingredients, burnt cupcakes, adding known allergens to the dinner salad (and more!)  

As we laughed, we enjoyed the evening together - the purpose of the event - despite all the ways in which the preparations had not been "enough."  Because, as it turns out, it was enough for what mattered - connection, celebration, and love.  

What would change for you if you re-assessed the perpetually moving goalposts of "enoughness," realigned with the meaning of what you are doing (and why), and even shared a laugh (or hug) with trusted friends or loved ones when the shadow of "not enough-ness" starts to impede on your space? 

Dear one, you are enough.  You matter.  You can make a difference.  And, I'm so thankful you're here.