Jump for joy 🤩 or Take a PAUSE ⏰
Yesterday, I delivered the third workshop in a series about integrating cultural complexity into mental healthcare. One focus of the meeting was how to receive feedback and make a repair when a cultural injury occurs.
Ironically, this paired with a client’s discussion about the challenges and benefits of receiving constructive feedback. She emphasized the role of constructive feedback for improvements in areas where one otherwise has "blind spots.”
This is such a great example of how a shift in outlook can benefit the entire interaction.
What perspective you take on receiving "negative" feedback - whether about an interpersonal injury, a work review, or constructive feedback on a project - has tremendous impact on how you feel and respond.
As part of one activity in my trainings and facilitations, I encourage people to take a PAUSE when receiving feedback that's hard to hear.
P - Pause. Take a slow breath. Check in with what you are feeling.
A - Acknowledge. Nod. Listen. Reflect. Unfold your body.
U - Understand. Dig beneath your first reaction to what the other person is communicating.
S - Specific response. Ideally, a sincere apology or commitment to reflect further. Include what you will do differently.
E - Empathy (NOT explain!) 😉 Imagine what it feels like to be in the other person's experience.
As participants in yesterday’s workshop played with the experience of responding defensively and taking responsibility, they acknowledged the struggle to apologize without explaining.
They also realized the immense vulnerability of speaking up about feeling hurt. They noted that thanking the person for sharing shifted their perspective and benefitted the conversation and the relationship. They experienced that, though difficult, it is possible to hear the difficult feedback and respond constructively with compassion for both parties.
Of course, it's hard to make mistakes. It's hard to hear you've hurt others without intending to do so. And it's hard to know there are times when someone will feel hurt or offended because you spoke up about who you are and what you stand for. (Can you think of one thing that 100% of people agree with 100% of the time? I can’t.) 🤔
Staying small, safe, and silent, however, is no guarantee that you will protect others from this discomfort or harm. And it can hurt you as well.
What if we let go of our collective over-emphasis on perfectionism?
What if more people took responsibility for the impact of their actions rather than deferring to good intentions?
What if you, your organization, and your community integrated skills to move through the sensations, tolerate the discomfort, and make repairs when harm is, inevitably, experienced?
The skills to take responsibility and have hard conversations are necessary in our relationships, our workplaces, our communities, and our international relations. There is no part of life that cannot benefit from increasing ability to be present in the imperfection and care deeply for one another’s pain even as we tend compassionately to our own opportunities for growth.
If you care deeply about others (as I know you do!) then you're unlikely to feel pleased when you hear about something you did/didn't do or said/didn't say that upset someone. It's only natural that an instantaneous response will be defensive or self-critical - ready to attack, defend, or escape - rather than excited about the feedback.
You'll probably never jump for joy 🥳 at the news.
And that's okay. You don't want to cause harm, and that's admirable and appreciated! It's how you move through this initial reaction, and what you decide to do in response, that makes the greater impact. 💖
If these are the types of experiences that you'd like to support in your team, community, or organization, then reach out to me about how Speak Up and Influence or one of my other workshop series can improve communication, connection, compassion, and culture for you and those you lead.
You matter. You make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
