I Wish My Daddy Were White

 I was having a conversation with my three year old daughter about a show, and she was trying to understand what the characters in it were feeling, and why they were feeling sad.

And as I was trying to explain it in three-year-old terms, I was telling her, "They're mistaken.  They're sad because they're thinking something's going to happen that's not going to happen."

And as I was thinking about that, I ended up expanding and telling her, "People do that a lot. We feel sad, or we feel scared, because we're telling ourselves something, even if it's not real."

I was able to compare this for her to the example of when she says she feels scared because she thinks there's a dinosaur. Even though we’ve discussed repeatedly that there are no dinosaurs and how it's just the thought that makes us feel a certain way - sad or scared, in these examples. 

As a psychologist, this is something that I talk with people about a lot - the power of our thoughts to influence our perceptions and how we feel. 

Now, I can reassure my daughter with absolute certainty, no dinosaur is going to get her.  That is a thought that's entirely in her head.  And, when we change that thought, I have absolute confidence that she will no longer feel afraid of a dinosaur.

What do we do about situations where the fear is real? 

Maybe it hasn't happened yet...To this person.

Or, when it's happened, they've survived it...so far.

But what about race based violence?  Even if it’s not intentional.

I don't believe that all police are bad - inherently bad people that are trying to target particular populations.

Do you?

I think back to some of the police officers that I've known - friends' fathers, a police officer that gave me one of my very first kind-of job shadowing experiences, family members... I recall how kind and caring they were in the context of my interactions with them. I don't think that they're the only ones. 

I don't see them as intentionally biased.

And that is exactly the problem, right there.

The intentional bias is one thing.  It's the unintentional (implicit) biases - it's the way in which it's bred into systems, bred into the culture, bred into the power of language, without our permission or awareness - that’s the problem.

For most of us, if this gets triggered, we might hold our purse a little tighter, or cross to the other side of the street, or watch a person with mistrust as he walks through our neighborhood.  In some cases, we may call the police to report someone “suspicious”.  

All of these can be damaging microaggressions, and do cause harm.  However, none of them in and of themselves put us in a position where unconsciously acting out our biases leads us to take a life.  

The only difference with police is that they’re armed and trained how to use force to protect themselves if they feel threatened.   What happens when their implicit biases get activated?  It’s not just a purse held tighter or a dirty look.  In an instant, their brain sends them a message, based on whatever implicit biases they have, and their perception of danger leads to a trained response.  

They’re trained to use force to respond to danger.  They’re not trained as effectively (if at all) how to unlearn all the signals of “danger” that they’ve internalized before they were even old enough to know or understand what was happening.

Of course, there are some people that are actively promoting white supremacy.  That's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm not talking about families where they are intentionally creating prejudice and discrimination.  

I'm talking about the many, many families like mine, and so many others, where it's the absence of conversations about it.  And then...we fill in the gaps with what we see, and what we don’t see.  What we hear, and what we don’t hear.  It doesn’t mean our families were trying to create racism in us.  In many cases they believed they were doing the opposite.  

Unfortunately, the absence of conversations cannot overpower the volume of messages embedded in every aspect of our lives, media, and systems.

Our mind loves shortcuts, or "heuristics," how to simplify complex information quickly.  Sometimes they’re helpful.  That fight, flight or freeze response can save our lives.

And it can also take lives.

And when we have those implicit biases institutionalized, as we do, and we're not talking about it...and we're not finding ways to actively promote these conversations in our friendships, in our families, in our communities, then they are standardized and reinforced again and again as what’s “right”, or “traditional.”  

Yes, these systemic biases are in our current systems of law enforcement... but not only in our law enforcement.

Police get a lot of the attention, because they have the power to go into situations armed, use force, and take lives, (and we now have the equipment, through technology, to see what happens). 

But the same thing is happening in the medical field.  

People losing lives.  People being treated differently.  

The same thing is happening in our legal system.

We can see the data. That Justice is not blind.  It's not equal protection under the law.

The systemic biases are in our education system....in our corporate structures...in our psychology.

I don't think that I need to continue here because, I think, if you're reading this, you already know these things.

You already know that the injustice is there, and you're already pained by it. I don't think that I need to belabor the point of the situation we're in. Because it's raw. And it's all around us. And if we're looking at it then we can feel the discomfort and a share, a small portion, of the pain that marginalized groups have been experiencing for generations. 

So, when I'm talking to my daughter, I can tell her with certainty, "There is no dinosaur that's gonna get you.  You're safe." 

But what about when the fear, and the threat, is real?  

The other night a woman shared an example of her 8 year old daughter telling her, “I wish I had a white daddy.”  And this woman, brilliantly, asking her daughter, "Well, what’s that about? What does that mean? Where's that coming from?"  Rather than judging it or shutting it down, she began exploring the conversation with her daughter.  

And her daughter explained, "Because then I wouldn't have to be afraid that daddy wouldn't come home."

How do you reassure a Black or Brown child that there are no dinosaurs, if you know that there actually are?

Not only that, but you have to prepare them for how to interact with dinosaurs.  You can't tell them, "I'll keep you safe, you'll never have to see a dinosaur. I won't ever take you where dinosaurs are.  I’ll always be with you to protect you from any dinosaurs."

What if the dinosaurs are everywhere?

And you can’t even always see when you're facing a dinosaur.

They're so hidden, they're so embedded, they blend right in.  

What about the times when it’s not realistic, or healthy, to just change the thoughts in our head, and feel differently, because we actually do need to be aware of the danger as a part of trying to protect. 

What do you do when your child says, "I'm scared that there's a dinosaur that's gonna get me...

I'm scared that daddy is not gonna come home."

And you can't guarantee that that's not going to happen.  You know you can’t prevent it.  You know daddy can’t prevent it. 

Because you know, and they know, that it would be a lie to guarantee that.

You can't guarantee it.

You can't avoid all risk.

You can teach them how to minimize the risk.

Even if we switch to something more real, like a child being afraid of a bear, you can see the problems.  

You can try to teach,"The bear doesn't want to come after you.  It'll only come after you if it's feeling threatened.  Here are ways to try not to threaten it."

But we know, even if you're sleeping in your bed, or on your couch, in your own home...

Even if you're out for a jog...

Getting into your car...

Pulling up to your house...

Spending time with your kids...

Even if you tell the officers, "I'm sorry I'm just different.

There's been a misunderstanding.

You have the wrong person.

You guys do a great job.

I can't breathe."

There are no magic words.

There's nothing that you can teach your child that will guarantee their safety, keep them away from bears, or keep the bears from feeling threatened in a society that's unwilling to address its biases.

There is a great movie about this, Crash, that I love. (Spoiler alert).

A young white cop starts out trying to change prejudiced behavior by other officers, and trying to do the right thing, and seeing the biases around him.  

You see that he’s really trying, even though it’s costing him in his career.

And then at the end, he shoots and kills the young black man that he’d been trying to help, who is reaching into his pocket.

Laughing.

Showing him something that they had in common.

How many of us are like this, only without the weapon?  How many police are like this, with the weapon?  

People ask me what to do.

And the first thing is, anything that you can.

Have a conversation.  Donate money. Sign a petition.  Write a letter.

Speak up at your community meetings and your organizations.  Call in to your representatives. 

I think people want something a little bit more glamorous than this and I don't mean that in a derogatory way.

I just mean that you want there to be something that feels more significant.

And what I'm telling people is don't minimize the conversation that you can have with your child, or with your family member, or with your co-worker or neighbor.

Don't minimize the 10 seconds apiece that it might take you to sign your signature on online petitions, or the $5 a month that you might be able to commit to donating to an organization, or the five minutes that you might spend a couple of times a week to call your representatives and let them know what you expect of them, and where you stand on the issues that matter.

Because there's not going to be one voice that changes this and there's not going to be one action that changes this.

It would already be done.

We would not be here.

It's the thousands and thousands of conversations and voices and signatures and it's not one person doing it every time, or people from one group, doing it over and over again.

It's creating that tidal wave.

Adding to the tiny ripples that can bring down the greatest walls of injustice.

You don't have to be the whole tidal wave - thank goodness! None of us could be. 

I mean, we have someone like Martin Luther King - amazing how he could lead people how he could speak to people's hearts. And he was hated.

And he couldn't do it all.

We can't just rely on iconic leaders, or expect that of ourselves. 

That would be too discouraging because we'd be up against an impossible task.

Instead, we actually can make it possible by each doing what we can. And I mentioned those ways to contribute and those are just some of the more general things. I know that. I just don't like those to get overlooked because not everybody is going to give a speech or write a book.

Whatever your strengths are, there's a way to bring them to this movement, because we need it all.

And you don't have to be it all.

You can be the best type of ally and do your work to be moving constantly in the direction of anti-racism, so that when those opportunities for those conversations are right in front of you, you're ready.

And when you see something happening on your street or in your neighborhood, in your community, you're ready.

And you might save a life directly by being there at the right moment to intervene, to call out something that's not right.

Or you might save lives indirectly through the signatures and the conversations that you have calling for systemic change, helping other people to see it differently, and join in as well. 

And that's what we need. We need that to be a loud majority. 

We need not to shy away, because we can't tell all our kids that they're safe from the bear, or dinosaur, and daddy will come home every day, without being shot by a police officer, until we change the system...

The systems that raised the police officers, the systems that educate the police officers, the systems that train the police officers, the systems that fund the police officers... and the school systems... and the health departments, and the medical schools, and the law schools, and the psychology programs...And, and, and.

Someday, my child will be old enough to see the news.

And to know what murder is.

And the real dangers that are out there.

And I hope, by that time, I have a better answer and assurance to give her about her daddy coming home.

Thank you for your time, for your caring heart, and for your motivation.

You matter.  You can make a difference.  And I'm so thankful you're here.