How do you unpack comments about "compliance" as the body count keeps rising???
Recently, a friend posted on Facebook about his hurt and betrayal upon seeing a post to the effect of:
"If only George Floyd had just complied, think where the world would be now."
Tears come to my eyes just writing that. 😢 I debated even including the actual content because of how harmful it is. I included it because I want you to be ready if you hear or see some version of this yourself.
What comes up for you?
He further shared...it's not just the content of the post that's grieving him deeply (though that's bad enough). It's the lack of responses from people he grew up around and knew as friends, neighbors, teachers, and community members throughout his childhood (as a Black boy).
There are multiple ways to be betrayed, and silence is a very loud one.
Lest you find yourself in similar situations, here are 5 basics so you are prepared and ready to speak up when you hear or see similar comments (and there's a lot of them floating around these days). 😔
5 Basics to Speak Up against "Compliance" Myths
1). That comment is deeply hurtful and offensive.
It implies that the person who died is at fault in their own death and also to blame for others' consequences (if/when held accountable).
If a person cares about the feelings of others, especially and including the bereaved, then this alone matters and is worth exploring further to understand and establish a baseline of empathy.
2). It's inaccurate.
This statement about compliance assumes that someone is: a) resisting officers, b) without cause, and c) that they are resisting to the extent that the amount of force used (including lethal) was necessary and justified.
It's also inaccurate because we know that there are many cases in which the reports of "non-compliance" are simply untrue. And we don't know this because of the police reports. We know this because of the accumulation of witness accounts and audio/video evidence.
Did you know that the early reports by the Minneapolis police department, and associated headlines, indicated that George Floyd died AT THE HOSPITAL after the police perceived a medical need and called for help? Certainly a different version than the facts and reality...and that's just one example of how inaccurate "official" reports can be.
3). Look at the historical context.
Police were formed to enforce slavery. That is their origination story. It's American history. They began to track down and return the "property" that was Black and Brown PEOPLE to their "owners."
It was formed to put and keep people (Black and brown people) in their place. And putting people in their "place" with any and all forms of brutality was valued, appreciated, and celebrated.
Comments such as this, about "compliance" as the solution in the aftermath of brutality and death, move dangerously in the direction of rewarding and celebrating this same use of force and abuse of power.
There is a lot to be said about this. More than you'd like to read in an email, I'm sure. And much better historians than me to say it. (If you're looking for an excellent read on the history of America that continues to inform our experiences today, may I strongly encourage you to read Caste by Isabel Wilkerson?)
4). This assumes that a person's response under duress is an entirely logical and intentional choice - or that it even could be.
Well, I'll just be blunt here to save some time. It's not. The human response under threat (as perceived by the nervous system in the body, not by the thinking, logical part of your brain) is an involuntary, instantaneous response. If you're familiar with fight, flight, or freeze ideas, you know the types of responses I'm talking about.
And, BTW, fight, flight, and freeze sound a lot like how people seem to be responding when they're labelled "non-compliant", don't you think?
Yet, compliance (or non-compliance) seems to indicate an act of intention and thought. "If only they hadn't decided to fight back when they feared for their life" isn't something you'd expect to hear (or say). Yet, this is the gist of critiques around "compliance."
So, in other words...
While fearing for their life and livelihood, based on a whole life of experiences of being treated unjustly piled on top of the generational, genetic effects of trauma passed down to them from hundreds of years of abuse at the hands of the people holding power, why didn't the person behave agreeably?
Really, what could possibly be logical about that?
So, I'll assert plainly, I believe it's unreasonable and illogical to expect any person with a nervous system stocked full of learnings from intergenerational trauma and a lifetime of accumulated slights, injustices, mistreatment, and microaggressions (or macro-aggressions) to remain more calm than the person with the weapon and the power of the system.
This keeps in mind that Black families in America have to literally train their children, from childhood, about how to interact with authorities and police specifically to try to save their lives. So, you can believe, if there is any conscious, intentional choice in the matter, they have been hearing it their whole lives.
And that there is a need for that, known and felt by Black families throughout the country, is a devastating testimonial to the lengths and depths of what Black people try to do to protect their loved ones, their children, their grandchildren, in a system in which they know their lives are in danger every day.
So, the extension of this is that when it appears there was "compliance", whether because of some type of "freeze" response or because of the deeply ingrained training throughout their life about how to live through a police encounter, I'd just about count that as a miracle.
5). Please say SOMETHING.
If you remember the QUEST framework for 5 ways to Speak Up that I shared in the past, you can use that again - Question, Understand, Experience, Support, and Truth. (And if you'd like me to resend, just let me know and I'd be glad to!)
The most important thing about speaking up is to speak up. Redundant, I know. I think of this friend, and so many others, who were pained as much (or more) by the silence - the void of responses - as by the original comment or post and it breaks my heart to witness their broken hearts.
You don't have to compile a lecture of statistics, history, or great zingers. Just say something in support of Black and brown communities who are getting retraumatized with new deaths on a daily basis.
You can borrow from any of the points I made above, or use these additional ideas to get you started:
That comment is full of assumptions and it pains me deeply to see you say that.
Do you realize how deeply hurtful and offensive that feels?
What do you understand about yourself when you express feeling more empathy for the person convicted of murder than for the person who was murdered?
Are you intending to imply that George Floyd is responsible for his own death after being kneeled on for over 9 minutes?
Does it matter to you how your comment feels to Black and Brown communities?
(As a person with White/light-skin privilege) -What do you believe Black people feel when they see/hear you say that?
How would you respond if his loved one was here right now?
Would you go up to someone grieving and say, "If only he'd eaten healthier, exercised more, etc. think where we would be right now...:"? If not, how is this different to you?
This week has been another hard one. Sometimes we need to pause, take a breath, and calm our own nervous system first. And then, we move back into action, because it remains the compassion in action that is needed to lift this burden, prevent these accumulating traumas, and heal the great wounds across our world.
You matter. You can make a difference. I'm so thankful you're here.
