5 Ways to Respond… and 2 surprises

First: here's a framework I created for ways to respond when someone you know makes a biased comment. Check out the 5 simple categories (with 21 specific examples!).

You’ve probably heard of (and experienced!) fight-flight-or-freeze reactions. These are the involuntary, instantaneous reactions we have when our brain senses danger. They are not controlled by our conscious thinking, reasoning, analytical brain. They are the result of our more basic instinct, primal, survival brain.

And, to be clear, "danger" doesn’t have to include a current, physical threat. Even an emotional threat registers as imminent danger to the brain.

So, it’s understandable that when we’re in a setting with a loved one, a boss, or a neighbor (to name a few) and they make a comment we recognize as prejudiced (which they may or may not be intending), we register danger, feel unprepared and ill-equipped to respond, and instead shut down, change the subject, or leave the room.

Then, we beat ourselves up that we didn’t do more, or didn't do it "right", making ourselves even less equipped to respond differently next time.

The reality is that most of us never learned how to speak up in these situations. It wasn't something we were taught.

It is something we can learn!

Doesn’t it feel so much better when your body stays relaxed, even confident, because you KNOW you are ready? You know what to say, and you can respond calmly, courageously, and clearly in the moment.

No more “complicit silence.” You’re speaking up in a way that feels congruent to who you are, and what you value. And, you can do so respectfully.

And that feels completely different!

That’s where the QUEST framework comes in.

Within those 5 types of responses, and 21 specific examples, you can choose and modify the options that best represent your style and personality, and never have to feel stuck without anything to say again!

To help, here's my second surprise for you - a video that gives examples of how to apply examples from each of the 5 categories. It's simpler than you think.

Like any muscle, the more we practice and rehearse, the stronger we become, AND we can literally change our brain’s wiring in the process (more on that another time!)

You matter. You can make a difference. I’m so thankful you’re here.

I look forward to continuing to grow with you.