🎵 I know words fail you 🎶
Do you ever find it hard to know what to say? You know you want to say something. You feel the pull. The intention and care is there. Yet, the words and sentences don't form.
Or, when the words do come, they feel inadequate and you critique them before they can be expressed.
This has certainly surfaced with my recent experience of grief since my father's death. Many kind people have reached out to offer condolences and sympathies with very caring, thoughtful messages.
Many of these also reference how hard it is to find the "right words."
Others don't say anything, and I understand how uncertain or uncomfortable they may feel. As we prepare for the memorial service, I've found find myself at a similar loss for what to say.
This week, a biracial client shared the conversations and experiences she endured about the federal recognition of Juneteenth as a holiday. Among the moments she recounted (ranging from complaints about its existence to being singled out for her observance) was a friend's tearful acknowledgement that she hadn't spoken up to say anything when her colleague railed against it.
The client handled her response beautifully, and it brought up a couple important reminders.
1. Even when you don't know the right thing to say, saying something matters. As the client shared, "You may not be able to change the world, but saying something can change one person who may not go on to harm others in the same way."
When it comes to strong emotions (grief, injustice, etc.), it can be daunting to find words. As limited as they may be, however, saying something allows you to express your care, interrupt assumptions, and facilitate an opportunity for shifting perspectives.
2. You are not responsible for rescuing others' from their emotions. When the person became tearful in her failure to speak up about the importance of Juneteenth, it was not my client's job to rush in to make her feel better. In actuality, many times when people perceive others' emotions as an opportunity to problem-solve, coddle, or advise, it can do more damage.
The tears and remorse were a recognition of learning, growing, and wanting to do it differently. Honoring those feelings (rather than seeking to remove or solve them) supports their messages of opportunity, motivation, and insight, a reflection of the values she wants to uphold in the future.
3) Learning how to be present with intense feelings (your own and others') better equips you for the many moments in which words fall short. Comfort with emotions frees you from the need to have it all figured out, and opens you up for more opportunities to connect, receive, and give with compassion.
What are the moments you find it hardest to find something to say?
How might gaining comfort with emotions support the relationships you want to build and the impact you want to have?
Whether related to grief or social justice, it's hard to escape the importance of saying something. Not something perfect. Not something jaw-dropping. Not something that changes the world (or even a person's emotions) in the moment.
When you say something that makes your values and care explicit, you can also acknowledge that there is more beyond you current knowledge, understanding, or ability to solve - and you demonstrate that you're present in the process rather than silent on the sidelines.
This is especially important because...
You matter. You can make a difference. And, I'm so thankful you're here.
